Family Matters

I grew up in a relatively conservative part of the United States, and this was reflected in the local societal norm for family structure: the traditional, 2-parent heterosexual marriage with biological children. Raising a family was viewed as a normal, positive life experience, even a cultural expectation. While my family wasn’t perfect, we were “intact”, and most of the families I associated with experienced that same circumstance or better. I was only vaguely aware of different, more difficult family situations that people around me faced: the only divorced couple I knew personally were the parents of my best friend, and whenever I saw them interact e.g. at birthday parties they were always kind to each other and seemed to be good friends. I found myself wondering why they had divorced in the first place, though I never felt comfortable enough to ask them about it.

Coming into a Family Relations course, I didn’t know what to expect. But the first thing I learned was that my experience growing up was markedly different from that of my classmates. Many of them had very personal, even traumatic experiences with divorce and otherwise “broken” families; their inner conviction of what a family should be was almost more a result of rejecting negative models than of following examples of ideal family situations. I began to realize that the traditional family, the most basic unit of society, was and is under attack more than ever before.

The first question we have to answer is, “Why does this matter?” At the most basic level it matters for our survival as a species. If evolutionary theory is correct and the purpose of a species’ existence is to survive and reproduce, there is no more effective method than a father and a mother who are faithfully married and who bear and raise children. At a somewhat higher level, we have a utilitarian obligation to build up our society, and that social progress is simply not possible without the family unit. We also have personal responsibilities: commitment to spouse and commitment to children, which are not only duties but also privileges as we discover the joys of family life. The family is also a necessary support network, ideally providing physical, emotional, social, and other primary care. All these factors are important, but the overarching reason family matters is because it is the means by which we fulfill our purpose on the earth: to experience, to learn, to change, to become unified.

Family matters. That’s why we ought to be disturbed by anti-marriage and anti-family trends on the rise in society. For example, the average age at first marriage has risen to 28 years old for women and 30 years old for men. That statistic in and of itself may not seem significant, but it may be an outward symptom of inner problems. These problems are based on fears. Fear of not being able to provide for a family, or conversely fear of not being able to pursue a career if one were to start a family (and similar fears in regards to pursuing higher education). Fear of commitment in a world that teaches loyalty to one’s wants over loyalty to another’s needs. Fear of repeating mistakes of previous generations, having experienced firsthand the painful results of divorce, infidelity, and other marital problems. When fear drives, there is only one possible outcome: to crash and burn.

Indicators of increasing marital and familial problems include:

·      Increasing rates of cohabitation: 60-80% of married couples choose to cohabitate before marriage

·      Frequent divorce: 24% of first marriages end in divorce

·      Increasing numbers of employed mothers, including mothers of young children

·      Increasing instances of premarital sex, and a resulting increase in numbers of children born out of wedlock: 40% of babies are born to unmarried mothers

·      Falling birth rate and fertility rate: the fertility rate is currently about 1.8, which is below the population replacement fertility rate of 2.1

·      Falling household size: even as homes are built bigger, families are shrinking, with an average household size of 2.3

These trends indicate a fundamental problem in our society. Without the support of family units, basic societal functions are compromised, and quality of life diminishes. It is the responsibility of every citizen to uphold standards of marriage that produce real, lasting happiness rather than the throwaway relationships that are all too common.